btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
