im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
