probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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