Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
