I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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