I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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