This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
