my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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