Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
