You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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