my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
