On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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