I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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