first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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