my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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