He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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