when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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