I must be too annoying 4 u.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
