I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
