Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
