Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
