I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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