You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
