i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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