I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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