Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
