New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
