@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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