just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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