i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
