my mouth tastes like poor choices
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
