I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
