why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
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If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO