Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think people are normalizing furries
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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