Say something about gay babies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
