6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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