Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
