How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
