I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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