sarcasm needs its own font
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
