She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
