Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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