I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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