There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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