Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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