I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
