apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
