It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
