oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
