someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
