My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
