I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
