Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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