ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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