Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
