Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
