Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She needs sedatives and a leash
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
