No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
