mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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